In the words of Katy Perry on her proactive commercial

“You would think that I’m the most confident person, but even the most confident person has their moments.”

She’s right – we all have our moments, because we all have those little insecurities that creep up every now and then. I came face to face with one of those moments early in the morning just this past week at work. I’ll set up the scene for you:

I was busy getting my morning started when one of my agents happened to pop his head in and uttered the words that I dread to hear: “Hey..why are you so white??” Completely caught off guard, I felt myself shrink back into my chair a bit. “I’m sorry??” “White, you’re so white, how come? You don’t go lay out on the beach or anything?” “Well,” I said “I have to be really careful because I tend to burn easily. I love being outside and going to the beach, but it tends to be a process trying to make sure I don’t get too burned or damaged.” “Oh I see, yea I get that, you gotta be safe and healthy, but I mean, you want to look good, right?” I did what I always do, especially when I feel uncomfortable, I laughingly said “Oh yea, I know — I can give Casper a run for his money sometimes — ha ha.” And then he left. And I sat at my office, tears starting to trickle out slowly.  The insecurity button had been pressed and there was no amount of pretending that would change it.

I know he wasn’t trying to intentionally be mean, he was new to the company and curious. (since I do live 10 minutes from the Atlantic Ocean) Regardless and unknowingly he had stumbled upon one of my biggest insecurity buttons. My skin color. It may sound silly to some, understandable to others, but it is what it is.

The late, great Eleanor Roosevelt said

“No one can make you feel inferior with out your consent.”

I get that, I do, and no offense but you’re a fool if you think that even ol’ Eleanor didn’t have her moments or insecurities. I don’t know a single person on this Earth that doesn’t. And if the timing is right and the certain chords and plucked, the buttons can get pushed.

And with anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, you aim to change it. You diet if you see yourself over weight, you use countless cleansers if you have acne, you make jokes about a deformity. In similar fashion, I’ve gone to extreme lengths to alter my skin color in the past decade. Unfortunately I practically lived in a tanning bed from the age 13 to 23 (dancing years). I’ve spray tanned and self tanned, layed out and lathered up, all trying to change my skin color to fit in with what I thought was normal. I never wanted to be pale, I hated my skin and would obsess if anyone mentioned I was too white. I would burn my poor skin to lobster red and go back outside and do it again as soon as I could. Sounds crazy, right? It was, believe me. Thank Heavens I’ve come a long ways since those days! My sister-in-law, Rebecca, said it best: You don’t want to end up looking like Magda, do you??!?

I’ve really gotten much better at handling that particular insecurity button. I’m learning. It’s a growing process, slow and steady. And I do still take measurements to make myself at least look alive, but I don’t go to the extremes I used too.

But there’s still moments that make me cringe, i.e. the story I mentioned earlier. I even had nightmares because I couldn’t get in to be spray tanned before going to a friend’s engagement party and I was worried the bride-to-be was going to yell at me. (Believe me, I’m already stressing over her wedding in late fall.) Sometimes when I see myself in pictures where I look extra pale I jokingly gag, and I still won’t buy clothes in certain colors because I worry they’ll blend too much and you won’t be able to see me at all! *Ok, maybe that is a little bit of an stretch, but you get my point.

It seems to be near unanamous that tanned skin is much more pleasing to the eye than pale skin. Props to you ladies who have naturally bronzed skin or tan easily, I still envy you just a little bit. But for now, I am learning to appreciate and love the skin I’m in. (isn’t that a commercial?) And although I actually do like getting air brushed, $25 a pop adds up so I only do that for special occasions and a quick fix. Maybe one of these days pale will be the new tan… Ok, maybe not — but here’s hopin!

So in conclusion — Katy Perry, rock on! Because only the confident can admit to their moments, open themselves to ridicule and inspire others to do the same. Thank you for that.

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*Note in regards to Eleanor Roosevelt quote: This (along with any variation) shouldn’t necessarily be said to a person having one of those moments, it tends to have the opposite effect and could end up making that person feel even more ridiculous. Say it after – when things have calmed. I speak from experience. ;)