I could write a million and one blog posts about my dad. All the wisdom he instilled, the one-liners he would throw out, the ways he helped people, the things we argued over, the wide array of things in the pantry you can mix with chicken to create a “meal” (I learned a lot that first year in Texas), which flowers and vegetables grow best where and when, the way that he’d solve problems, his candle fascination, the way he could scare the crap out of people who didn’t know him but light up a room for people who did…the list goes on and on.
Yes, Pops was a great man indeed. And this past year since he packed his bags and moved up to Heaven has been quite an adjustment - to say the least. I wanted to share with you a view of my journey. It has been very difficult, but it has also been very empowering for me as well.
The First Year With Out Him Here
People say that losing a loved one is the hardest thing you go through in life. I think that statement is backwards. The hardest thing is not losing a person, the hardest thing is learning how to live without that person. When someone asks what’s it like to lose your Dad, I say the same thing every time. Some get it, some don’t. But being a girl who’s only 25, out on her own, single, and still trying to figure out who she actually is, this is exactly what it’s like:
It feels like being swept up in a tornado. One that sits on top of you for a week while you tend to the funeral arrangements, are being consoled by friends and family, and trying to accept the initial shock and loss that has occurred. Everything is spinning around you super fast and even if you scream, nothing stops and no one hears you.
And then the tornado is gone. You’re still standing, but nothing seems to be in the same place it was before. You have to pick back up and keep going..you just can’t find the roads you thought you were on.
This past year I found myself, struggling at times, trying to figure out my way around with out having him to call on the phone. Yes, I started going back to see a Crazy Doctor in the beginning after I got back out here to Charleston, and I still do see her from time to time. ( Crazy Doctor = my therapist. She’s not crazy, I call myself crazy for going to her, but that’s what I call her and we laugh. ) There were days that were incredibly hard – Father’s Day – and days that went so well, I had a feeling he was pulling some strings for me Up There.
My Parents. Married nearly 40 years.
With that being said, you may be wondering why I believe this past year has been so empowering. I’ll tell you why: I was – and still am – in the process of figuring things out..that’s what people in their 20′s do..we figure things out, BUT that’s a big thing I turned to him for-help-guidance-encouragement. Do I have plenty of other loving people to turn to? Yes. Did I call on them? No. Why? Because I’m about as stubborn and bull-headed as they come. (anybody notice a resemblence in that statement – hah)
What did I do? I turned to myself. And eventually learned to listen and trust the words inside and discovered that most of what I looked to him for was indeed in my possession. I still call my family and friends to tell them about my Great Ideas to see what they think, but I know that what I’m really looking for comes from me. I never had the courage to take hold of it until now. I’m not scared anymore – of a lot of things.
I guess he really did know what he was talking about when he said I could change the world if I wanted to. I can’t help but laugh that I’m still learning lessons from him even after he’s gone up to Heaven. For some reason, I’m not surpised.
I often wonder what he would say right now if I could talk to him on the phone and tell him everything I’ve come to learn. I can almost hear the conversation: “Hey Pops! You’re not gonna believe what has happened…” “Uh oh..Jennie Boo what did you do this time?!” (ok so I might have been a bit of a trouble maker and known for calling the house with the most random, off-the-wall ideas on occasion) Sometimes I really can tell he’s proud of me..of all of us, my brothers, my sister, my mom..while other times I’m like “HEY!! Are you LISTENING Up There?!?!?” Of course when that happens I usually run into a wall, or the corner of a table, or drop something on my foot right after. My family hasn’t ever been that great with subtle hints…..apparently some things never change.
Trying to convince him that one of my infamous "Great Ideas" that I've come up with really is great...judging by the look on my face, it wasn't working so well. LOL
I miss my father immensely and always will. I know he will always be with me, watching over me, and helping by encouraging me to find the answers within, because he knows they’re there. He always knew. That’s what he was good at.
• Stephen Francis Fiechtl •
October 10, 1946 – July 14, 2008
