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June8th

Insecurity Button

Posted in: lessons learned, life

In the words of Katy Perry on her proactive commercial

“You would think that I’m the most confident person, but even the most confident person has their moments.”

She’s right – we all have our moments, because we all have those little insecurities that creep up every now and then. I came face to face with one of those moments early in the morning just this past week at work. I’ll set up the scene for you:

I was busy getting my morning started when one of my agents happened to pop his head in and uttered the words that I dread to hear: “Hey..why are you so white??” Completely caught off guard, I felt myself shrink back into my chair a bit. “I’m sorry??” “White, you’re so white, how come? You don’t go lay out on the beach or anything?” “Well,” I said “I have to be really careful because I tend to burn easily. I love being outside and going to the beach, but it tends to be a process trying to make sure I don’t get too burned or damaged.” “Oh I see, yea I get that, you gotta be safe and healthy, but I mean, you want to look good, right?” I did what I always do, especially when I feel uncomfortable, I laughingly said “Oh yea, I know — I can give Casper a run for his money sometimes — ha ha.” And then he left. And I sat at my office, tears starting to trickle out slowly. The insecurity button had been pressed and there was no amount of pretending that would change it.

I know he wasn’t trying to intentionally be mean, he was new to the company and curious. (since I do live 10 minutes from the Atlantic Ocean) Regardless and unknowingly he had stumbled upon one of my biggest insecurity buttons. My skin color. It may sound silly to some, understandable to others, but it is what it is.

The late, great Eleanor Roosevelt said

“No one can make you feel inferior with out your consent.”

I get that, I do, and no offense but you’re a fool if you think that even ol’ Eleanor didn’t have her moments or insecurities. I don’t know a single person on this Earth that doesn’t. And if the timing is right and the certain chords and plucked, the buttons can get pushed.

And with anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, you aim to change it. You diet if you see yourself over weight, you use countless cleansers if you have acne, you make jokes about a deformity. In similar fashion, I’ve gone to extreme lengths to alter my skin color in the past decade. Unfortunately I practically lived in a tanning bed from the age 13 to 23 (dancing years). I’ve spray tanned and self tanned, layed out and lathered up, all trying to change my skin color to fit in with what I thought was normal. I never wanted to be pale, I hated my skin and would obsess if anyone mentioned I was too white. I would burn my poor skin to lobster red and go back outside and do it again as soon as I could. Sounds crazy, right? It was, believe me. Thank Heavens I’ve come a long ways since those days! My sister-in-law, Rebecca, said it best: You don’t want to end up looking like Magda, do you??!?

I’ve really gotten much better at handling that particular insecurity button. I’m learning. It’s a growing process, slow and steady. And I do still take measurements to make myself at least look alive, but I don’t go to the extremes I used too.

But there’s still moments that make me cringe, i.e. the story I mentioned earlier. I even had nightmares because I couldn’t get in to be spray tanned before going to a friend’s engagement party and I was worried the bride-to-be was going to yell at me. (Believe me, I’m already stressing over her wedding in late fall.) Sometimes when I see myself in pictures where I look extra pale I jokingly gag, and I still won’t buy clothes in certain colors because I worry they’ll blend too much and you won’t be able to see me at all! *Ok, maybe that is a little bit of an stretch, but you get my point.

It seems to be near unanamous that tanned skin is much more pleasing to the eye than pale skin. Props to you ladies who have naturally bronzed skin or tan easily, I still envy you just a little bit. But for now, I am learning to appreciate and love the skin I’m in. (isn’t that a commercial?) And although I actually do like getting air brushed, $25 a pop adds up so I only do that for special occasions and a quick fix. Maybe one of these days pale will be the new tan… Ok, maybe not — but here’s hopin!

So in conclusion — Katy Perry, rock on! Because only the confident can admit to their moments, open themselves to ridicule and inspire others to do the same. Thank you for that.

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*Note in regards to Eleanor Roosevelt quote: This (along with any variation) shouldn’t necessarily be said to a person having one of those moments, it tends to have the opposite effect and could end up making that person feel even more ridiculous. Say it after – when things have calmed. I speak from experience. ;)
April6th

The Death of the Confidence Salesman

Posted in: DIAMONDS*, SSM, charisma

As you may have guessed from yesterday’s Sassy Starter, this week the Sassy Steel Magnolia is being taken over by the always fabulous Shauna of Mackenzie Image Consulting. She’s one of our Fabulous Four and you may even remember the guest post I wrote a few months back for her site. I asked Shauna back for a solo post because as I have gotten to know her as a person, a professional contact and a friend, the more I greatly admire what it is she does for her clients on a day to day basis. Sassy and always Classy, Shauna takes us behind the scenes of Image Consulting and Confidence. And believe me, you won’t want to miss this one…

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The Death of the Confidence Salesman

There are many image consultants out there who market themselves as “sellers of confidence.” They guarantee that confidence results from draping you with color swatches, camouflaging your flaws and by radiating a perfectly polished image out to the world.

And then there are those who truly get it – “it” meaning the understanding that confidence is not something that fits neatly into a ten-step checklist; a checklist asking you to stand up straight, shine your shoes and polish your etiquette.

Confidence is like a thumbprint … so unique to each and every person that it cannot be derived in one or even several ways universally.

There’s not one steadfast process that can be implemented to achieve self-confidence. So how can one claim to “sell” something that’s so different to each person? And something that is also so widely misunderstood?

Someone who claims to guarantee a boost to your self-confidence is confused and unknowingly so. I know this because I used to be this confused and unknowing seller of confidence early on in my career. Entering the image industry, I definitely jumped on the bandwagon, excitedly telling people, “I can guarantee you’ll feel more confident and walk out your front door feeling more assured about yourself than ever before!”

But over the years I eventually found “it.” One of the most significant things I can share with you is the notion that feeling good about yourself or your abilities is not the same thing as having confidence.

I grew up playing piano. My talent was not in technically advanced pieces but I sought them out because I thought it would win me competitions … they never did. Although I felt great about my ability to learn the piece, absent were any feelings of confidence. So I started learning music that I actually liked. Music that revealed my true talent: intonation and emphasizing notes and pitch in an expressive way. I stopped looking for confidence in winning competitions and instead found belief in myself by playing music in a beautiful way … and those were the competitions I won.

Confidence cannot be sold because it doesn’t exist without its foundation: faith in yourself. Without faith or belief in yourself, it doesn’t matter what tools are put in front of your face, you’ll only achieve short-term results. Seeking confidence without having faith is like trying to put a puzzle together without all the pieces.

I’m not in the business of selling confidence but I am in the business of selling you, YOU. You and everything that comes with it: the perceived flaws, the strengths, the weaknesses, the sarcasm, the clumsiness, the doubts, the fears, the worry … YOU. I’ll talk you out of emulating anyone else through your wardrobe, through your behavior, through your communications except for good ol’ genuine YOU. Why does this pay the bills? Because people, more than they realize, hide their real selves from the world. Sure you may put yourself out there, but are you really putting your self out there or the one you think you’re most likely to derive confidence from?

There’s no searching for confidence because it naturally happens when you have the faith to put your real self out there. The faith to let go of chasing false confidence and realizing that your true talents, ability and personality are the ones the world wants to see. We want transparency. We want authenticity. We want imperfection. The reason we connect with people is because we find some sort of common ground. And a lot of times, this common ground comes from a sense of humility and the honest imperfection that resonates with one another.

So I leave you with this: Don’t let anyone try to sell you confidence in putting on beautiful clothes. Find it instead, by being the real you in a beautiful way … imperfections and all.

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Shauna M. Heathman is the founder of Mackenzie Image Consulting, South Carolina’s first and only full-service image consulting firm. As a certified image consultant, she specializes in appearance, personal branding, public speaking and communications. She founded her company in 2007 after moving to Charleston, SC from Minnesota.

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*A sincere Thank You to Shauna for taking the time to sit down on the little red couch and tell us your story. It is truly a phenomenal one indeed! Don’t forget to check in tomorrow, dear readers, as her Music Snack will be up bright and early! An incredible song and video which will bring a great smile to your face and leave quite the impression.
February16th

domestication confession

Posted in: Random, home & family

Hi, my name is Jennie B and I am

(Photo courtesy of www.AnneTaintor.com)

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This is the badge that I wore (not so proudly) Sunday afternoon. A simple Sunday afternoon where I was going to: A- purchase a baby shower gift & B- purchase ingredients then cook a broccoli cheese casserole. Neither was accomplished, however I did manage to launch myself into the worst anxiety attack I’ve ever had.

You see, I’ve never wanted a baby of my own. Babies make me nervous. That’s just me. And because of that, some people tend to think I’m abnormal. Whaaaat?!? You don’t like babies?!?! What’s WRONG with YOUUUUU??? Is the reaction I get most of the time.

As for cooking, we had family dinners every night since I can remember, but I never payed attention and learned. When I say I don’t know how to cook, it’s Whaaaat?!? You don’t know how too COOK??? But you’re a girl, aren’t you?!? How do you expect to get or keep a man if you don’t know how to cook???? (that last one always makes me laugh…..because THAT’s the real reason anyone learns how to cook, right?!?) So you can see where my two tasks to accomplish get a little iffy…

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Fast forward to Sunday, I’m in the store and I can’t find the crib aquarium I always buy. Add in about 7 adults ( male and female ) telling me what I should get and why I should get it and how I need to know this if I plan on getting preggers (one woman went as far and put her hand on my stomach which is just NOT ok what so ever) and what’s wrong with me for not knowing when this stuff when I’m 26, then add on 3 kids running around pushing buttons, making noise, yelling and all I wanted was my Fisher Price Crib Aquarium that I buy for every person who invites me to a baby shower but there was not one anywhere to be seen.

I ran out of the store rather quickly. I could feel myself getting worked up, heart pumping faster, hands shaking, having trouble breathing…the works. It’s not fun. I just wanted to get out of there before I screamed at the top of my lungs and cried right there in the store.

I drove to the next store. (which I probably should not have done) All I need to do is find my ingredients then go home and make my casserole. Simple enough, right? WRONG! I froze. Couldn’t remember where anything in the grocery was, wondered the isles up and down like it was my first time being in a grocery, got to the rice isle and broke down. There’s SO MANY friggin kinds of rice and my recipe didn’t say which kind and I had NO IDEA what kind to get and it’s just stupid, friggin RICE. I started crying again. A nice associate walked up to me asking me if I was ok, if I needed help and if I’d like to come up to the front of the store and sit down for a bit……Great. That’s all I needed was some store associate trying to Dr. Phil me. Thanks but I like to have my breakdowns on my own time and where I chose to have them. That was rather nice of him, though.

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Needless to say I changed my casserole to tacos, got my stuff & got the hell out of dodge. I knew better than to try driving home at this point so I called my Momma (because after all I am the fruit of her womb and apparently she sent out a bad apple) and cried to her on the phone in my car for a good 20 minutes.

Two things that to most seem so simple and easy terrified me to no end and I had no idea why I was reacting like I was. Was I really not normal?? Am I missing some womanly microchip that knows how to deal with babies and cooking? Am I really a rotten apple?? Maybe all those people were right…maybe there IS something wrong with me.

These are the questions that were running through my mind the entire time this incident was taking place. After a while I started to finally calm down as my Momma reassured me that I was not a bad apple…. but maybe I just wasn’t completely ripe yet and there’s nothing wrong with me. (Yes, I already knew that but sometimes it helps to hear other people tell you!) Add in a few humorous stories about my Momma and my Sister and I was good to go. (finally – it had been a long afternoon!)

And so while that badge may be exactly correct on some days, for the most part I’m a bit more Domestically Challenged rather than Disabled..but I’m learning. One step at a time, I’m learning. But at least I know that on the days I’m more disabled than challenged it’s ok. Even if I break down into an anxiety attack, it’s ok.

It’s a process.. but isn’t everything sometimes..

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February15th

Sassy Starter – Listen, child..

Posted in: Sassy Starter, inspiration, legacy

{ sometimes we need a little reminder }

*Photo of Sunrise taken by my Sister, Jessica, from Cadillac Mountain in Acadia National Park. It’s the highest peak on the Eastern Seaboard and one of the first places in the U.S. to see the sunrise.
February9th

Love Thy Self

Posted in: LOVE, celebration, charisma

It isn’t necessarily one of the Ten Commandments, but it definitely needs to be one of your top personal commandments. No question there, right? Right. Ok great, I’m glad we can all agree on that.

Minor detail, if it’s something that we all know we should do, then why does it seem so hard sometimes? Yea yea, you’re your own worst critic and yadda yadda – believe me, I know. (remember the tank top incident?) But why is that? Is it because of something someone said so long ago? Something that happened already that we can’t go back and change? Is it because of a broken heart or fear of release? Why on Earth is it SO difficult to love yourself sometimes?

We nit-pick, we compare, we bash, we praise then blush then take it back then try not to notice. There’s times we hold ourselves up to standards that no feasible person could ever possibly live up to. And all of this…it all trickles down into every aspect of our lives. Our work, our relationships, our friendships. This may not happen all the time, this may come in waves, it may only happen when you run into one certain thing, but it happens.

This year I’m making conscious efforts in changing that and take hold of that personal commandment #1. There are certain things about me I’ve always tried to change because I was under the impression I was supposed to be a certain way. Big example? I’m almost always a bit flustered – in my own little world – a tad flighty sometimes – usually looking in the opposite direction – goosey (as my father called it) – all of the above – and I’ve always caught a lot of smack for it from various people.

Well I’ve come to accept and embrace the fact that I am like my hair- Almost always a tad bit disheveled…but in a good way. I don’t have to have everything figured out, I may not always make sense, it’s ok to let my mind wander from topic to topic and I definitely do not have to have everything going in the same direction.

And you know what? Life is a lot easier! I don’t get upset because I’m not fitting into the ideal of what I once held. I don’t compare myself (not nearly as much) to others. I try not to get onto myself when I realize I’m a little more disheveled one day than normal. In fact, I laugh when I catch myself in these moments, because I realize that finally – after 26 friggin years – that’s just me – and I’m all right with that. I’m starting to Love Thy Self a little more, and it’s really not all that hard. Of course it’s a process, but then again, I wouldn’t have it any other way. ;)

So tell me, dear Readers, what is it that YOU truly love about yourself? What are some of those quirks you have that you finally realized weren’t going anywhere and they were here to stay? What are YOUR experiences on the journey to embracing the Love Thy Self commandment?